


Picking Up Iwa-Chan

by hoarderhangover



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Flirting, Fluff, Humor, Kissing, M/M, Pick Up Lines, an adorable dork, cutesy yaoi, iwaoi - Freeform, oikawa is a dork
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-23 00:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7459860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoarderhangover/pseuds/hoarderhangover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"My love for you is like diarrhea: I just can't hold it in."</p><p>or</p><p>Oikawa decides to try out his pick up lines on his beloved Iwa-chan. Humor and romance ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Picking Up Equations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit."
> 
> "As long as you have a face, I'll have something to punch."

"My love for you is like a fart," Oikawa recited. "Everything about it is loud and powered by my heart."

Iwaizumi glared at him.

“What kind of pick-up line was that?" Iwaizumi snapped. He was trying to pay attention in math class, minding his own business, and his obnoxious best friend insisted on "practicing" pick up lines on him. Iwaizumi tried to remember when he'd befriended Oikawa - more importantly, why - but he drew a blank. 

Oikawa pouted. "C'mon, polar bear, don't be so cold. I'm just trying to break the ice."

Iwaizumi cringed. Why did girls even like Oikawa? "Go away," he said, turning back towards the board.

"Like I was saying," Oikawa continued, unperturbed. "My love for you is like diarrhea: I just can't hold it in."

Iwaizumi closed his eyes and sent a quick prayer to the gods of patience. "I swear something inside me just died a little," he growled, scooting his chair farther forward, but Oikawa just leaned over the back.

"Look, Fancy-Pants. I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but - " he paused dramatically - "I'm Batman!"

Iwaizumi had to grit his teeth to stop himself from shouting. He would hit Oikawa, but they were in class and something told him the senpai wouldn't be too pleased. "Leave me alone," he hissed instead, picking up his math book to try to hide his face. 

"Hey, accuse me, sugar. It's kinda a cold day, and yo smile was so warm I just had to come over."

"Oikawa," growled Iwaizumi, "we have assigned seats."

"Yeah," he sighed. "And babe, your butt is so nice it's a pity you have to sit on it."

Iwaizumi glared. "One more time, Oikawa, I'm warning you - "

Oikawa grinned. "Don't worry. As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit."

Iwaizumi gave him a death look, but Oikawa just smiled cheekily. "As long as you have a face, I'll have something to punch," Iwaizumi growled threateningly.

Oikawa pushed out his bottom lip in a pout. "Iwa-chaan," he whined. Iwaizumi bent his head back over his math book, hoping he had shut Oikawa up, but Oikawa was already poking him. 

"Pay attention in the back there," called the senpai. "Now, we were working on functions. A concave function goes like this... "

"My love for you is like a concave function," Oikawa whispered, "because it's always increasing."

Iwaizumi gritted his teeth, but he really needed to take notes now. A few seconds of blissful "silence" (or listening to the senpai lecture), Oikawa added, "My love for you is like dividing by zero... It cannot be defined."

At least I'll have some ways to remember this stuff, Iwaizumi thought wryly. 

Oikawa tilted his chair back on two legs, looking very proud of himself. "My love for you is like pi: never ending."

Iwaizumi scowled, partly because Oikawa was so effortlessly smart but mostly because Oikawa was a dickhead. "Shut up, I'm trying to pay attention."

"Pay attention to mee," wheedled Oikawa.

Well, at least he'd said something that wasn't some lame flirt. "Go away. I'm trying to get an education."

Oikawa smirked. "Well, I'm pretty good with numbers. Why don't you give me yours and we'll see what I can do with it?"

Iwaizumi bit his lip so hard he swore he tasted blood. This was going to be a very long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe. Poor Iwa-chan :)
> 
> Please let me know if you want me to continue! Kudos and comments mean a lot :D


	2. Picking Up Posters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Your dad must be an artist because you're a real piece of work."
> 
> "No, my dad must be in prison because that's where I'll be after I finish with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support y'all!

Oikawa was still at it.

"Practice on someone else," hissed Iwaizumi, glaring. "We're supposed to be putting up these posters." 

He hadn't wanted to put up posters in the first place, but some girl had asked Oikawa if he'd help her set up for the Daddy-Daughter dance, and Oikawa (being Oikawa) had said yes. 

Somehow Iwaizumi had ended up with the posters, (and for some reason Oikawa wasn't practicing his pick-up lines on the cute girl), but he couldn't do much about it. 

"Is your daddy an artist?" Oikawa asked, pointing to the poster with what he clearly thought was a winning smile. "Because you're a masterpiece."

Iwaizumi pounded the poster into the wall with more forge than was probably necessary. "Oikawa. Cut. It. Out."

"Sorry, Iwa-chan," trilled Oikawa in his I'm-not-actually-sorry voice. "Y'know, your dad must be in the army, because you're da bomb."

"That's horrible, Oikawa." Iwaizumi picked up the remaining posters and stomping down the hall, hoping to shake Oikawa, but he just followed like a puppy. "If you're gonna hang around, give me a hand." He handed a poster to Oikawa. 

"Okay, okay," said Oikawa dismissively, as though the actual task of putting up posters hadn't been his goal when agreeing to help the pretty girl. "Unless, of course, I can help you with something else... "

Iwaizumi scowled harder at him. His sexual fruatration did NOT need this kind of prodding, especially not from Oikawa. So he had never been laid - big deal. Oikawa didn't have to be a jackass.

...Actually, it was Oikawa. He was probably genetically orogrammed to be a jackass. 

"Was your dad an alien?" continued Oikawa, holding a poster upside-down against the wall. "Because you're out of this world."

"There's no such thing as aliens," snapped Iwaizumi. Although Oikawa himself was probably pushing the limit. 

Oikawa grinned. "Well, I'm a believer. Kiss me if I'm wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?"

Iwaizumi slammed the next poster on the wall. Oikawa never DID stop, did he? 

"Hey, was your dad a baker?" chirped Oikawa, either oblivious to his annoying nature or just not caring. 

"No," growled Iwaizumi. Where had that girl gone? Maybe he could shoulder Oikawa off onto her. 

"Then how come you're such a cutie pie?"

Officially done (fuck this job), Iwaizumi dropped the posters and tried to stomp away again, but Oikawa grabbed the back of his shirt.

"Hey, nice shirt. You know what material mine is? Boyfriend material."

"I don't know," Iwaizumi snarled, "it seems a little too clingy and high-maintenance." 

"Iwa-chaan, don't be so mean," whined Oikawa, hanging on. "Your dad must be a miner, because you're hard-core!"

"You're dad must be a journalist, because you've got issues," snapped Iwaizumi. He wasn't going to take any more of this crap from Oikawa. 

"Your dad must be a photographer, because I can picture us together," he said, finally releasing Iwaizumi's shirt.

Iwaizumi stalked off again, but Oikawa just followed him down the hall, flashing his million dollar smile at giggling girls. "Is your dad a boxer? Because you're one hell of a knockout."

"Is your dad an electrician?" Iwaizumi growled back. "Because you're turning me OFF."

Oikawa pouted. "You're supposed to say I'm turning you ON. I mean, I'm pretty sexy, right?" He crept up behind Iwaizumi and wrapped his arms around his waist, hands dangling dangerously close to Iwaizumi's belt. 

Iwaizumi cursed to himself. Oikawa had no right to make him feel so damn hot. "Fuck off," he hissed, swatting at Oikawa. 

"Your dad must be a genie," he continued, tightening his grip. "because you're making my dreams come true. Dude, your dad must be pretty exclusive because they don't make anything else like you."

"Don't use 'dude' in a pick-up line," snapped Iwaizumi, prying Oikawa's hands off and shaking the feeling of his friend touching him. "These are for girls, remember?" He felt an odd kind of twinge in his heart, but he just scowled and ignored it.

Oikawa ignored him. "Your dad must sell diamonds, because you're flawless."

"Your dad must sell fool's gold because you're fake," Iwaizumi retorted. 

"Whoa, Nellie. Your dad must be an artist because you're a real piece of work."

Iwaizumi glared, stomping towards the bathroom. "No, my dad must be in prison because that's where I'll be after I finish with you," he snarled. 

Oikawa whined, chasing after him. "Iwa-chan, you're so MEAN!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make my day, as do kudos! Thank you for reading!


End file.
